I think that any excuse I've used over the years is pretty lame. I mean, if you have to use an excuse, you shouldn't be doing whatever it is you were doing. That never stops me from making mistakes, of course, or coming up with the excuses later. I've gotten pretty good at coming up with excuses, I think. Part of it comes with the job. Where I'm at, if you do something stupid, you're going to have to answer for it sooner or later.

There's a litany of excuses in my head, all the ones I've used, ones I thought of but never got around to using.

"My car was loose..."

"I was angry. I won't act that way next time."

"But I didn't steal your truck, Junior. Honest."

Sometimes I think excuses are necessary, to protect the people you care about. Most of the time, though, I wish I could be strong enough to not have to rely on excuses. To be more open about things than I really am.

But, while I've come pretty far, I haven't got there yet.


Muse: Tony Stewart
Fandom: RPF/NASCAR
Words: 183

( Read more... )

It's easy for people now to say that I've changed. That my attitude is better. That I'm suddenly a much calmer guy, goofing-off instead of getting angry. I have changed, too, I'm not going to say I haven't.

But it's still weird for me, being a fan favorite when I can still remember all the boos and jeers pouring down out of the stands. People treat me differently now, too. I'm not the bad guy anymore, and that makes me more approachable, I suppose.

It's not because the anger's gone, though. I know that's what they think. That I've somehow managed to make it disappear. It's not that I've made it disappear, though, it's that I've learned how to control it. It's always there, waiting until I'm ready to make another stupid mistake.

If the anger was gone, completely gone, where would I be? I don't think about it, because I don't like to think about what could have been. There are just too many things I regret, if I start off down that path.

If there was no anger, my life would probably be easier. There wouldn't have been so many mistakes, so many fights with my dad, so many people that walked away because they just couldn't deal with me any more. Maybe my parents wouldn't have gotten a divorce, and maybe I would have grown up in a happy home.

But I don't know.

If things had been changed, I wouldn't be me. It took me a while to understand that, and to accept everything that had happened in my life. But I'm learning how to make peace with the past. And that's what is keeping the anger at bay.